Day 2
I don’t really know how to deal with this. How to approach this or what to think. Can I trust your emotions and the things you say, after you told me you didn’t feel the same anymore, but you still miss me? You feel like something’s missing but you’re the one who wanted or need it that way. I don’t know how to react. I want the budding, suffocating feeling of loving you, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I think if I did I’d be lying. Obviously I care, because I still call you honey… but I’m not sure if it’s out of habit or affection… Or (if it’s out of affection) if that affection is romance or kinship. Have you just fallen into the friend category? Has how you have acted to me pushed me away and started cauterizing the wound, sealing all of the love I felt – the intensity – up in a box forever?
Or do you really have my heart, so far away from here? I feel blank. Like a robot. Going through the motions. Now that I know you feel the way you do, I’m anxious to talk to you and make sure we’re both still alive and kicking.
I want to fall back in love with you, but I don’t know if it will be to my benefit or my hurt. All the things we talk about will bring us closer, but can we start from scratch and build back to where we were when we were happy? Could we stay that way?
Once you understand what you regret, you don’t need to feel bad about it. You can uninstall.
Am I uninstalled?
I feel disengaged. I can’t say that a piece of me is missing, at least… I can’t say it like it’s something new. A huge piece of me has been gone since you left. Literally, my heart left with you.
Telling me I annoyed you, and it was too much, and not talking to me, and pushing me away… the heart I didn’t have inside kept dying, little by little. I can’t say for sure if I was upset at losing You, or upset at losing Boyfriend – not being able to work through together, and build together… nothing I do is good enough, although I know I do great things… You don’t seem to have a clue, or care. Telling me you’re proud now helps, but it doesn’t heal the desert in me.
I can’t push you to decide what you’re working for – I need to know something outside of yourself. I won’t ask you to make a decision until I find out I cannot move forward without it.
Day 4
The reality is kicking in that we really aren’t together anymore. I slipped twice yesterday, calling you my boyfriend then correcting myself quickly. It made me sad. I went to the bar and danced with a boy and some creepy Indian man told me he loved me… but I was too drunk to let my feelings take hold of me. Two men dragged their hands across my back and it grossed me out, but I didn’t feel like I had a reason to lash out other than that I was disgusted.
I’m comfortable in some respect going out and being here without you. But I’m not comfortable with being comfortable. I don’t think, anyway.
Then you told me this morning that you love me – actually, you said “luv you.” What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t want to talk myself into feeling one way or the other based on what you feel, and what you say. I can’t walk through the rest of the month, or the rest of my life, without closure or knowing for sure what I think.
I want to tell you that I love you. I can’t just shut those feelings off. I can put them away, and I can deny them… for a little while. Until I figure out exactly what I want or need or if any of that is feasible.
I looked back at what I wrote the other day and I couldn’t believe some of what came out. I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing.
All I know is that I want you to always be happy. With or without me, I want you to be happy. I think I’m trying to put off making a decision about how I feel until I know what your end goal is – which, I already said, I don’t think I want to do.
Day 6
I have found myself thinking about you more and more every day. So much so that I without thought told you I love you while we were on the phone earlier. I don’t know what to think about that.
The whole dog thing has me sick to my stomach, and I almost teared up at the thought of you going there without me. Originally I was in knots, but I don’t know if it’s our open conversation or the food I had for dinner that’s still got me queasy 2 hours later. All of this gets harder and harder each day.
I think it’s finally setting in. I don’t know if it’s so hard because we talk every day, or what. I do try to leave you alone, I promise… I don’t want to intrude in your life. I don’t have that right/whatever anymore to demand that you pay attention to me. I do think we’ve talked more in the last week than in the couple weeks prior to the split, though. For that I am thankful, if a little confused.
I don’t like calling you my ex boyfriend. You’re my Josh. I have such a hard time talking about you and me and us… most times I tell people it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’m okay… and I try to play it off like it’s not hurting me. I’m not sure if it’s really not hurting, or the defenses have come back up and are keeping it from consciously hurting even though it really does hurt somewhere inside. I have been closer and closer to tearing up and crying because of some ‘thing’ I have done to you, or some ‘thing’ that I realize, or some song… I had to turn “Kiss Me Thru the Phone” when I was getting ready for my dance so I wouldn’t start crying in front of Jessie. Not that I would, I just didn’t want to take the chance. It hurts me to hear every day from people (that either just find out, or people who know we’ve split up and I feel like I want to talk about some random aspect of our relationship that I was thinking really hard about) that I deserve better… that I should just find someone else who makes me happy and forget about you and everything that’s happened. I think that’s really unfair. Yeah, it sucks that we’re not together anymore… but all they see is the part where I go to bed crying because I feel ignored or passed up in favor of ‘the guys’ or ‘the cars’ or ‘UFC night’… they don’t hear the conversations you and I have that mean SO much more than you not wanting to hear me complain about McDonalds every night. They don’t see the texts we send back and forth trying to work through our thought processes or what we want to be to each other. Not even the Sparknotes version of what we talk about is enough to make them see why I don’t just listen to them without question. I don’t think I’m “not good enough” for you. I don’t think you’re “not good enough” for me. I think we were made for each other, on some level… maybe only for a short time, possibly for forever.
I know that what I do is commendable. I am a strong-willed and able-bodied woman. I’m intelligent, and cynical, and… I know I have a lot going for me. There will probably come a time when I have no options, and I’m stuck in a hell hole because that’s all I can get with where I am in my life at that point… but I’m not there yet. I am proud of my work ethic, and what I have accomplished because of it. I have amazing friends, and I know what true loyalty is. I know the meaning of unconditional support and love, and I know that time heals all wounds if you let it. I also know that I relied on you to know these things too, and to let me know that you knew them in a way that I could immediately understand and appreciate. I relied on you to tell me I was beautiful, and smart, and that you were proud of me for doing well in school and putting up with the demands of my schedule even when you thought I was ridiculous and complained all the time. After a time, I felt like I didn’t have a leg to stand on… and I can only balance by myself for so long.
I can’t get the thought of you not wanting me to be with anyone else out of my head. I feel guilty when I think, in passing, of inviting someone to dinner or spending time with male friends who aren’t necessarily my ‘brothers.’ A bigger part of me doesn’t even want to mess with it, though.
You say you want to work on us, but how badly? I think I’m going to get to that point where I need you to make a decision, or we need to talk about making a decision, about where we go from here a lot sooner than originally planned.
Day 7
I’m letting myself admit that I want things to work. I’m okay with that. Part of me hesitates because I don’t know how people I talk to will respond. Which isn’t good, and I’m trying to get over it. I think part of my hesitation, too, comes in not wanting to let myself feel what I have in the past and end up getting hurt again. And I don’t want to tell you something and talk myself into something that may not work oug — I don’t have the suffocating, beautiful feeling of being passionate… and that’s the love I’m used to. I don’t want to take the chance on lying to you… but I do know that I care. So it’s not really a lie. I do love you. I know I do.
I honestly think us talking and building might bring us together again. I know I have started re-evaluating what I am, what I offer, and what I need to have in a relationship. I wonder what you see yourself as, what you think you ffer, and what you would need from me in order to put us back together again?
I wonder. There’s a rain cloud hanging over this desert in me — I wonder when it will break. I really think seeing each other may help bring something back…
especially now, when it’s so important to make sure we both know each other still cares and wants to build us back together.
You are halfway intelligent after all :)
