Who am I today?

So, you think you know women? Well… you might. You might not. I don’t pride myself on being just like everyone else, but there are several key factors that I think men in general should know about women that I am using myself as an example for.

1. I, personally, have the rebound rate of a retarded puppy. I don’t harbor anger for long periods of time anymore. I can’t afford to. I simply have too much else to deal with than to keep track of holding a grudge against every single person that pisses me off. I get angry, have my little “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” moment or whatever, I vent and I’m fairly well back to normal. That is, I don’t have the raging desire to punch something or someone. Sometimes that comes in the form of an intense and pissed off IM, sometimes it’s in the form of a text, sometimes I blurt out some really offensive, sometimes I slam a door… but honestly, a blurt is all it is. The people in my apartment complexes don’t look too kindly on blood-curdling screams in the middle of the night, you know?

2. That being said, when I do have my “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” moment, or when I’m just talking about something that’s bothering me, 9 times outta 10 I’m not asking for anyone to fix it. Unless I utter the phrases “help” or “fix it,” all I’m asking you to do is listen and acknowledge what I’m saying. Women talk to vent, to get things off their chest. I can’t count the number of women I know who own a journal and write in it religiously. It gets what’s ‘inside’ to come ‘outside’ so it is more easily dealt with. If I say I’m scared of something (for instance, moving somewhere new) I’m not telling you I don’t want it. I’m telling you it’s a concern I have. It’s something I’m not used to yet. That’s all.

3. THAT being said, I don’t think I’m wrong for being concerned. (I guess this is more me than women in general.) I don’t think I’m wrong for voicing my concern. I also don’t think I’m wrong for expecting you to be able to talk to me about my concern, or give me suggestions on how to make it easier on myself. Admittedly, I might be wrong in how I choose to approach the situation, but typically my drastic responses — the serious ones, not the blurty “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” ones — come out of my thought that it NEEDS to be brought to your attention and for whatever reason subtlty isn’t an option anymore.

4. Communication is key. If the way I approach things isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship, you and I need to work together to find some way that we can actually talk without one of us throwing up a wall or pushing the other person away. I can’t just keep my concerns and thoughts to myself when I think they’re serious and valid concerns and thoughts. If it involves the future, and we’re talking about other serious future stuff… I’d like to include my concerns in the conversation without it turning into a fight. What I would like, and the intent I have in voicing my concerns and thoughts, is for them to be taken out of any emotional context and put into a purely conversational one. I mean, yeah if I’m crying and talking about it the conversational context is kindof out the window because I haven’t separated myself from that emotion well enough quite yet to be able to talk about whatever it is just to be talking about it. BUT that doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed.

This didn’t really turn into anything about women in general. Silly me and my conceited self.

Decisions I have made:

1. Putting off grad school. Freaks me out, still getting used to it… it’s gonna take awhile, not gonna lie. But it’s the best thing for me right now, and I fully intend to go back at some point after I’ve gotten a little more under my belt.

2. Moving. Again, freaks me out… not really sure how the whole apartment/living situation is going to pan out. Uncertainty really bothers me. I need a plan. I don’t have a detailed, check-list plan right now. I am working with big goals only, for the most part. Something I have to get used to. MAIN ISSUE: Will you have time for me once I’m out there? I can’t be just a side attraction… I need to be a focal point.

3. Not being in my comfort zone means I have to make myself comfortable. I have opportunities out there, just like I do here. I’m more apt to take part in the opportunities there because I don’t know of anything else. Alumnae association. Ronald McDonald House. Gym. Work. All places to meet people, network, have things to do. I won’t be bored unless I sit around and do nothing but work and wait until I get to see you all day. I won’t grow as a person if I stay here. I’m tired of playing it safe.

I am prepared to make these decisions, but please don’t fault me for still having a few concerns. You’re so far away, I need to know I’m still a part of your life… an important one. I need you to tell me that you’re proud of me, and that you love me, and that you understand that I have a lot going through my head right now. I need you to make it a point to carve time out of your schedule for me, so I can talk to you and it actually be a ‘good’ time. If before bed every night is the best we can do, I will take that. But I want it. I want your time. I want you, in every way I know how. Talking to you is the only way I can have you right now… please don’t take that away from me by telling me you’re too busy to make time for me. And please don’t let me apologize all over myself when I’m not the only party involved in our miscommunications.

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I don’t like that my heart feels like it’s breaking. I don’t like it at all. But while I’m finding and figuring and trying to get some of this weight off my shoulders, I need to know you’re behind me… that you support me and are cheering me on; that you want me to be happy, that you’ll help me if I ask you.

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More than Romeo and Juliet; better than PS I Love You; more intense than The Notebook.

Always and forever?