I’m a pretty angry individual by nature.
I’m angry about a lot of things that happened to me in the past; things that I couldn’t very well control then, and I surely can’t control now. I can’t change them. I can only grow from the experiences I’ve had.
I was pretty angry after my dad died. It was a sudden thing, and my whole world got turned upside down in enough time to keep me in the “Gotta be strong for my mom because she’s hanging on by a thread” mode. I cried, a lot… but then I shut it away. I put all that feeling into a little box somewhere in the basement of my mind, and only really messed with it around the times when I came across a “big” change (the musical drama production I was in… graduation… etc.). It will be nine years this November, and among other things I am still angry that I really didn’t know *who* my dad was. Was he really an alcoholic? Who was the girl he had been seeing before he died? Was there anything wrong with him? The list of questions goes on and on. I feel useless and powerless, and that the only thing I can say with complete certainty was that he loved me. That should be enough, right? Tell that to my conscience.
I was pretty angry that my last relationship ended up in shambles. Being told that pot is more important than I was really messed me up. I still deal with the fallout, and it’s been about a year and a half since I’ve had anything to do with him at all. The man tried to convince me to have sex with him, even after I told him I didn’t want to… I felt completely and totally violated. I cried from the time I left his apartment to the time I pulled in my mom’s driveway. I cried for the next couple of days, too. I have never been so hurt – so betrayed – by anyone in my life. I’m trying to get over it; and I am, slowly. The situation with him has affected everything in my life, down to the very movies I find funny or not. It’s a hard thing to get around.
I’m also angry about a lot of things that are happening to me in the present; much of which deals with some of my closest friends.
“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Jim Rohn
I’m tired of being around the constantly negative. There is much more to life than finding some reason to be upset. I can’t do it anymore; I refuse to bend to your pessimism. I have so much in my life that I can smile about – that I *should* be smiling about – instead of always looking at the negative side. My past is done; what’s happened before today can’t be changed. What’s happened in y our life to make you so unhappy? Have people died? People die every day. It’s a horrible situation; I sympathize. But I’m sure they would want you to experience life, and make the most out of every breath you take, instead of commiserating with another negative person about the mistakes being made in the personal lives of everyone you know.
I’m also tired of constantly being measured up against someone I’ve never met, but only seen from a distance. Admittedly, I used to do the same thing… but I realized it got me nowhere. You are not him; I am not her. We deserve to experience each other in the context of our own relationship, and not the one we had with them.
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I’ve let go of and forgiven several situations that have hurt me recently. I feel like a new person. I’m tired of being saddled with the burdens of everyone else, expected to act as miserable as you all feel. I won’t do it anymore.
“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.” Mike Murdock
I have a wonderful boyfriend who is being negatively affected by my unresolved personal issues. My education is suffering because I have too many responsibilities on my plate. I am not letting myself fully experience sorority life because of drama and typically going with the recommendations of others as to what events to go or not. My other friendships are suffering because I am so irritated with the status quo that all I do is complain. I am no better than the situation that I’m trying to get away from. So here’s the plan:
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles R. Swindoll
I am giving up the troublesome thoughts and feelings I have about my dad and my ex boyfriend. I can’t change the fact that my dad is dead; nor can I (nor do I want to) change the situation with the ex. I am alive today, and relatively healthy. I have learned from the experiences and although not knowing who my dad was will always bother me a little, I can deal with having a quasi-idealized view of him until the time comes for me to know more. I have grown into someone who can make more informed decisions based on my experiences with drugs, or at least being an observer in the situation. It’s high time I stop using those lessons to define my life, and start only using them as references. Not all men are dirt balls… just the special few who enjoy a rousing bit of drama.
Speaking of drama, I am taking myself out of your equation. I’m here to listen, if you want to talk. Please don’t expect me to take sides on anything that doesn’t directly concern me. I will always be your friend, but I can’t get wrapped up in the drama anymore. All I can offer is an ear, a shoulder if need be, and a third-party observation. I will try to remain a devil’s advocate. I wash my hands of the negativity, and forgive you the matters in which you hurt me – be it intentionally or not.
I’m using this time to figure out how to let myself be happy, so the rest of my relationships can be happy too. Letting go of the negativity and forcing myself to move forward is all I can think to do. There is no sense in letting my personal issues get in the way of being happy; much of what I have done to this point has been counterproductive in that regard. I have kept myself on guard from day one, to set up the guidelines and rules… and I’ve discovered that once you’re neck deep in love, the rules don’t always apply. My life can’t be laid out like a coloring book all the time; there has to be room for adventure and weird circumstances. Sometimes it’s okay to play by someone else’s rules. And giving your all doesn’t always have to mean losing a part of yourself… it’s about give and take. I’ve learned the hard way that patience is key, and you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy.
I’m giving my burden up to God, and letting him take care of it for me. I have some things I need to get to fixing; and this is the only way I know how to do it. I can’t be happy with all of this weighing me down. I can’t be happy surrounded by negativity; I have to find the people who make me happy, and that I make happy in return. It’s high time I could breathe again. Maybe I’ll be standing a little taller after all is said and done; maybe I’ll be able to laugh at things that are supposed to be funny. Maybe I’ll be that much closer to making myself and people around me happy.
That being said, it’ll probably take a day or so to shake off the residue of the load I’ve had on my shoulders all this time; but it will be worth it.
“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.” Donald Miller
Mission: Let it go. Forgive and move forward. Breathe easier. Laugh more often. Be the voice of reason and not the overbearing mother figure.
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)
God help me.
