I’m going to do this without crying.
Knowledge.
Recently, I have been faced with many an opportunity — dare I say, a spotlight — to see situations in my life that are either (a) not necessarily good, or (b) not how I want to be living. The first time I really paid attention was when my friend and I spoke to a man named Anthony down in the Bahamas. He witnessed to us for probably half an hour, I’d imagine (that’s what it felt like… it was probably only about 15 minutes), about the glory of God and what miracles he’d seen performed in his own life and that of some other people he’d spoken with on that very pier. His message was a gentle one: It doesn’t matter who you are, or where you live, or what you’re doing in your life… God loves you. And you know, It’s really hard to remember that in the process of juggling two jobs, trying to finish an independent study, manage a relationship, and keeping some semblance of a social life. It’s been brought to my attention, rather abruptly, that all of that — on top of everything else I have to deal with — just isn’t possible without Him. It all falls apart eventually.
Hours ago, I spoke with someone I can fairly call a good friend. I never thought I would be able to go to her, not unless we ended up related… because I should be able to handle things on my own. But honestly, after the night I had something compelled me to talk to her and she told me to read up in Ephesians on how a wife should act toward her husband. Now, obviously I’m not married… and I’m too independent to take the term “submit” out of context and apply it to my life, but she did bring up a good point. I read through part of the book itself, and I realized that I really am doing things/letting things go on around me that don’t need to be there. I am upset, all the time it seems… and it’s exhausting.
All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. (Ephesians 2:3)
I guess there have been a few other instances that I’ve been tossing around as well, largely because they embody drama and hateful feelings that quite frankly I don’t want to deal with anymore. My life is far too short to worry about other people, and submit to conversations involving my so-called friends’ genitalia. I no longer find the time to constantly belittle people. This is my time to get my life back where I want it to be, and to salvage what is left of my life as I know it before everything goes to Hell. And I’m doing it. Right now.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)
Respect.
I don’t feel that I should sit idly by and let people who aren’t my boyfriend talk at and to me about their genitalia. I don’t like the “my dick” jokes; I don’t find talking about how you couldn’t fit into this size condom funny. I don’t care about your sex life, and from now on I’ll be keeping mine under a tighter lid. Talking about sex with you, in any form be it the act or the parts that go into it, honestly makes me uncomfortable. As your friend, and as a lady, I’m politely asking you to stop treating me like “one of the guys” in that respect. I could meet someone tomorrow that you would wind up marrying — please don’t disrespect me enough that I tell her how dispicable and disrespectul you are to your female friends.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. (Ephesians 5:3-4)
I need to remember this time in my life not as something I dreaded waking up to every day (which is about how it is now), but something I should be proud to tell my children, and their children and so on, about. I am not proud to call someone a friend who continually makes me uncomfortable. Cherish me as a woman; you don’t have to put me on a pedistal, but at least have the decency to put me above your netherparts. And I’d appreciate it if you apologized for calling me a raging cunt.
Speaking of, that’s another thing I don’t get about you… You know precisely how I feel about that particular phrase (I loathe it, just as a refresher), yet you have no problem reverting to it any time I’m around OR even when referencing an attitude I might have that you find undesirable. You laughed at me when I said I didn’t like it; what kind of a friend does that? Then to go ahead and use it in reference to me? Really?? I’m sorry you got offended when I was poking fun of your drink, and I’m sorry that you’re tired of me coming to you because you’re my friend and asking advice when I felt I had nowhere else to turn. It’s been brought to my attention that God will always be there to share my burden, and sometimes even lift it completely. I won’t trouble you anymore. And I don’t need people like you in my life, if that’s the way you’re going to treat me. I heard the “Well, when someone gets mad all the knowledge about how the other person feels goes out the window.” Yeah, sure… that MIGHT be valid, except there’s no earthly reason why you couldn’t have just told me you thought I was being ridiculous. You never had a problem with it before.
I forgive you for acting like that, and I hope we can find a way to still be friends… but there has to be some kind of respect shown — from the both of us. Please forgive me for being as irritated as I was about the whole ordeal.
Friendship.
You are one of the best friends I have ever had. I used to love that I could go to you about almost anything. Now, it just seems like any grievance I have is a bother… be it a grievance with you, or one of our mutual friends, or something that has nothing to do with anything; it’s just a grievance. I know that no one’s perfect; I’m not asking you to be. All I’m saying is that I see things in you that I know aren’t “you.” Yeah, you have a mouth; and a vocal personality. You can be really hard to get along with at times, but that used to keep me on my toes. It’s grown into something different though. It seems that now, the only real attitude you have is negative unless the world is going 100% your way. And I know; I can be the same way at times… most of the time, actually. I’m working on that. But if it’s not one thing going wrong, it’s this person or that person being stupid or “Would ya look at that guy, what a moron,” etc. I just can’t do it anymore. There’s no encouragement; no love… just complaining. Again, I’m just as guilty of it as you are; I’ll admit it.
I have this terrible tendency to let other peoples’ thoughts and feelings rub off on me. When I’m around you and you’re irritated or talking down on the choices some people are making, it affects me. In the heat of the moment, I take you at your word and I agree with you… even if I don’t really agree after I get a minute to myself. Maybe that’s a flaw in me; something else I need to address in myself and work on. The fact remains, when I am around you I end up doing precisely what you’re doing: I get irritated and talk down about people – people who are my FRIENDS and that I love more than some members of my own family! What kind of a friend does that make me? And then when I stand up for what I think, you either take it as a personal attack or chalk it up to me being upset about something else and taking it out on you. Granted, I do misdirect my anger sometimes… but I’m getting better about channeling things properly, and when I tell you I have a problem with you it is with you. I’m sorry, but honest to God there are just some things I think are not your business… not in the way that you have to get directly involved, anyway… Like there are some things I should keep myself out of.
Everyone has their own demons to battle. You and I are no exception. I just don’t understand why, especially lately, when it seems like someone is happy with a decision or something going on in their respective lives there’s something you can do to jump in and make it just a little more difficult. Example: The apartment. To preface, I fully understand that there hadn’t been anything signed, so legitimately you had no obligation to fulfill your living arrangement until the plan we had could actually happen. However, that doesn’t give you the right to talk to the landlord while I’m out of the country and completely without contact ability and tell him things in the tone of “this is the finality of the situation” when in reality you didn’t have all the information. I thought it a bit uncaring, and slightly rude. Plus, it sets me at a disadvantage because once again I’m at square one with trying to find somewhere to live with (counting down) two and a half weeks until my current lease is up. I understand it’s your apartment as of now, and you can do what you want with it… but we had a plan. I had every intention of talking to your landlord once I got back, and now I don’t know if it will matter at all what I say. Thank you for that.
So why is that? What happened to make you want to make decisions that affect other people too? Is it because you’re leaving for four months? Because I made you mad about something so, screw me, I don’t get a place to live? I genuinely don’t understand… but I’d be glad to listen. All I know is I can’t do the drama and constantly feeling like I should be negative just to be able to be around you. Life’s too short, and I have too much else going on to feel that way too. If I’ve learned anything from my life in the past few months, it’s that the only way to be a friend is to be there when it all comes crashing down. It’s not to try to control the outcomes of things, or people… Manipulation never comes out right in the end. If it does, it’s probably not the end.
Please forgive me for being upset with you, as I have forgiven you for the things that offended me.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
Love.
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
I hate going to bed upset; there’s no reason for it. Going to bed upset means those feelings have time to seep into the subconscious and mess up the days to come. Life’s too short, and our time together is too valuable to let that happen. I think, anyway.
I don’t want to play games; I don’t want to try to see who can best who in a match of stubbornness. I want to be honest with you, and I want to make things better when they’re wrong. It’s really hard for me to leave things alone when all I personally want is to fix it now. It’s an automatic thing, and a lot of the time I listen to it instead of logic. I’ve told you before, it takes me being knocked down a few times to figure out how to handle something… obviously, considering my performance on that video game. I know what I have to do now – when it comes to you, I have to play your way. I get it now. You told me how to handle it, and I didn’t listen… but it makes sense to me now, and I’m done trying to deal with things how my gut reaction tells me to. Please give me the chance to show you that.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
I want to love you in every way I know how, and I want you to love me in return. I want our love to be perfect, enduring, and a shining light for how love should be. I know we’re going to have our ups and downs, but I think “we” are worth through the downs to get to the ups. I think a lot of what we’re missing is patience. I, for one, am terrible at being patient with people. I do it when I have to, and forget that there are times I want to. Can we try to be patient with each other, and not take offense at everything? I know a lot of the time what I say doesn’t come out right; but the same goes for you, at times, too. We waste so much time miscommunicating, it’s unreal.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:21-33)
I know I’m not your wife; at this point, you probably don’t want me to be… but the same idea applies. Slowly but surely, as I’m sure you’ve noticed to some degree, I’m trying as best I can to respect you and your decisions. I may not always agree with you, and I may try to give my opinion… but it’s not because I want to control you. It’s because I view myself as someone you can trust – someone who’s not going to jerk you around or tell you what you want to hear. If I think it’s a bad idea, I’ll tell you… and you have every right not to listen to me. Your best interests are my interests. It’s not me trying to control things.
I’ll tell you now, I’m not in the habit of submitting completely to anyone except God… and I have a hard enough time doing that. But I will continue to make an effort to respect you, your boundaries, and your hobbies as best I can. I just hope you’ll be patient, and let me. By the same token, I would like to be respected for my thoughts and feelings on given situations.
I understand that you are your own type of person; you say you don’t need anyone. I would really like to be needed. To “need” someone implies a sense of finality and permanence that “want” just doesn’t have… it’s like saying you’re going to throw me away if/when you get tired of me. Which, by now you’re likely to that point… or close. I can’t say I’m that strong. I never thought I needed anyone either; then I found you. And I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve never been in a 100% healthy relationship, or if you just have that effect on me, but whether you think I’m stuffin’ your fluff or not, face it mister: I do need you. I need you to love me, to wrap me up at night, to tell me I’m beautiful when I don’t think I am, and most of all I need you to protect me. That’s really hard for me to admit. I don’t want to have to stick up for myself; just because I can doesn’t mean I should have to. I love that you stand up for me to people who talk smack. I love that you want to challenge whoever is challenging me. I love that you want to defend me, in whatever small way, in the process of you being frustrated with my friends (whether it’s really because you want to stick up for me, or if you’re just really tired of dealing with it… I don’t know… but I like to think it’s for me). I love that you know you are strong enough to take care of me – I just don’t see why, if you want to protect and take care of me, we end up like this. It hurts.
It hurts to think that me being upset doesn’t affect you. It hurts to go out of my way to look nice, and try to get you to do things for me… and not get any kind of positive response. I need to know that I am more to you than just a bed partner. It hurts to think you could move home right now and not think twice, when not too long ago you didn’t want to go because you were afraid of losing me.
What changed? Is it because we’re around each other too often? Are we taking each other for granted? Are we arguing so much that it really doesn’t affect you one way or another to be without me? What is it? Because it affects me.
I love being around you. You understand me; you know how to make me feel like I’m on top of the world, and like I’m at the bottom of it. You told me yourself, I get you; I accept you. It’s an unconditional thing, just to let you know… it doesn’t matter what you say or do, I will still get and accept you. I count down the hours while I’m at work until I can see you. Maybe I want you too much. I don’t know any of this unless you talk to me… and I think we do need to talk.
Maybe I’m just weak; maybe you’re my weakness.
I love that you love to be goofy; you force me to loosen up, even when I don’t really want to. I’m too analytical — I keep myself from having fun and being amused even though I should, and I know I should, be having the time of my life. You show me that just because I’ve had bad experiences in the past, doesn’t mean I can’t laugh in the present. I try to do the same for you… but it usually doesn’t end up working out. You knock me clear out of my comfort zone, and I love that you give me the opportunity to do things that really freak me out (i.e., the jet ski). I need that, and you’re the only one I think that can handle me. I love that you love to do what makes you happy; I just wish you would bear with me and let me get used to things I’m not familiar with. I want to be happy that you’re happy with you. I’m trying to do all these things, but it’s obvious that I’m going about them all wrong. Help me.
Please forgive me for giving you the impression that I am not grateful for the things that you do for me. Please forgive me for not listening until I got knocked down a few times – I told you, I’m a slow learner. I’m done fighting. Don’t expect me to just bite my tongue all the time; you know that’s impossible… but I’m done fighting. There has to be another way to do things. I can’t find it without you.
