December 14, 2011
I decided to learn Italian.

10:57pm  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyDHS80W
December 4, 2011
Bones

BRENNAN: We have a problem.

CAM: Uh, huh. Do you see a solution?

BRENNAN: It’s not completely my fault. I was a foster child and apparently, Booth says that – Booth says that I have – Well, something about control issues and the weight of the world.

CAM: That sounds like Booth.

BRENNAN: I think he meant that if I’m going to share responsibility for these cases, I’m going to have to learn to stop controlling everything too. Does that make sense? Psychology’s not – I really – I really hate psychology.

CAM: Not everyone’s brain works as fast as yours. I have to mull sometimes. Are – are you familiar with that concept?

BRENNAN: Yes. I just always thought it was a waste of time.

(Glasberg & Bookstaver, 2006).

———

Dr. Temperance Brennan is a pretty accurate representation of myself, only she’s on the television screen. And she was a foster kid… which, thankfully, I am not. And she hates psychology… which I, of course, do not. And I don’t find ‘mulling’ to be a waste of time; I just don’t drill for information unless there is a plausible need for said drilling.

Okay, so maybe we’re not as similar as I originally thought… but I do have legitimate control issues. I have learned through a fairly passive experience that the people I rely on as friends have had little direct impact on assisting in the coping of emotional traumas that I have incurred in the recent years. I have been given a “Hey, need a body bag? How about ice cream and a horror movie?” response, which really only serves as a temporary distraction. I am left to talk myself numb; talk myself rational. The more I talk, the more I convince myself that it doesn’t hurt. I feel like I get myself through whatever it is that’s happening.

When it comes down to it, I only trust myself. So finally having someone in my life who asks my opinion, doesn’t trample on my life perspective, doesn’t ignore my input, and won’t intentionally hurt me is a little disorienting. I’m not quite sure how to deal with it.

I do know that I need to share responsibility for things… allow him to help me. Share myself.

I just really don’t like exposing myself; sticking my neck out just feels like I’m inviting an axe, or waiting for the guillotine to drop. Guns and knives, fine… but I’m not fond of having sharp things dropped on my neck. There’s too much of a chance that it would have to drop two or three times before the pain stops. 

Reference:

Glasberg, G. (Writer), & Bookstaver, S. (Director). (2006). The boy in the shroud [Television series episode]. In Hart Hanson (Producer), Bones. Netflix.

11:25pm  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyCqh4tx
November 30, 2011
Time.

I’m really bad with this remembering to take time — no, MAKE time — to reflect on my day, on life, and on random things that happen to me in dreams (when applicable). I haven’t done it since my last emotionally traumatic instance… which I suppose could be equivalent in some way to my current situation. Kindof.

Time is an extremely important, overly abused and taken for granted opportunity. Time is not just numbers on a clock, or a measurement of work ethic, or anything like that… it’s real. It’s solid. We can destroy it quickly; mercilessly.

It is said that “Time is not measured in the number of breaths you take, but in the number of moments that take your breath away.” Or something to that effect. I know I haven’t given myself enough of the latter, until the last year or so. Imagine though, I’m only 24… I have spent at least 22 years being less-than-enthused about my job, my studies, my love life… the whole bit. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I have a legitimate passion. And it wasn’t until recently that I seriously considered the idea that I’m wasting my time. I can’t imagine how others, those who don’t have this moment of rationalization until their late 30s, 40s, or later… I can’t imagine how they feel.

I guess I’ll never know.

What I do know is that all the time you spend should yield some kind of compensation — wages, enjoyment, relaxation, clarity, health… All of it should be positive.

The compensation for my time? Not overly enjoyable… I don’t get paid near enough compared to what I’m worth… I’m overly stressed when I don’t need to be and my brain’s a jumbled mess. Most of the time. I for one am tired of working within the system — I catch myself saying that a lot nowadays. I have the option of stepping outside the box, grabbing life by the horns… take your imagery however you like. I’m tired of finding enjoyment within my daily obligations — school, work… I like learning, and I like getting paid for doing something that entertains me.

It’s just a matter of finding an occupation that I enjoy, and that pays me well enough to stay entertained. Let the search begin.

11:46pm  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyCfTBxE
November 29, 2011
One Word.

“The idea is simple: Each of us suggests one word — literally one word — that all of us should think about in 2010, and then takes one page to explain why and how that word matters.

The result is an intriguing, inspiring, and at times downright moving collection of unconventional wisdom that is available free to everyone as of this morning.”

Courtesy of Bill Taylor, http://financeclass.blogspot.com/2009/12/70-words-of-unconventional-wisdom-for.html

I like this idea. It’s a little outdated, obviously, but it’s not like we can’t pretend that “in 2010” really says “every day, for the rest of our lives.” Admittedly, I plan to use this idea for my own selfish reasons - but at least I’ll be able to think again. And, hopefully, I can help whoever reads this think a little too.

—

Once you fully understand what you want, it’s not usually that difficult to get it.

2:54pm  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyCbL5Nq
November 29, 2011
Amazing Grace

Oh tumblr. I thought I lost you…

Actually, it was me who was lost. I still am, to an extent… even though so much Amazing has happened since we last met. I found my Grace. Now, I just hope to find myself.

Here’s to the renewal of a b-e-a-utiful partnership.

Salud.

12:04am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyCa8KPh
November 22, 2009
the progression into madness

Day 2

I don’t really know how to deal with this. How to approach this or what to think. Can I trust your emotions and the things you say, after you told me you didn’t feel the same anymore, but you still miss me? You feel like something’s missing but you’re the one who wanted or need it that way. I don’t know how to react. I want the budding, suffocating feeling of loving you, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I think if I did I’d be lying. Obviously I care, because I still call you honey… but I’m not sure if it’s out of habit or affection… Or (if it’s out of affection) if that affection is romance or kinship. Have you just fallen into the friend category? Has how you have acted to me pushed me away and started cauterizing the wound, sealing all of the love I felt – the intensity – up in a box forever?

                Or do you really have my heart, so far away from here? I feel blank. Like a robot. Going through the motions. Now that I know you feel the way you do, I’m anxious to talk to you and make sure we’re both still alive and kicking.

                I want to fall back in love with you, but I don’t know if it will be to my benefit or my hurt. All the things we talk about will bring us closer, but can we start from scratch and build back to where we were when we were happy? Could we stay that way?

                Once you understand what you regret, you don’t need to feel bad about it. You can uninstall.

                Am I uninstalled?

                I feel disengaged. I can’t say that a piece of me is missing, at least… I can’t say it like it’s something new. A huge piece of me has been gone since you left. Literally, my heart left with you.

                Telling me I annoyed you, and it was too much, and not talking to me, and pushing me away… the heart I didn’t have inside kept dying, little by little. I can’t say for sure if I was upset at losing You, or upset at losing Boyfriend – not being able to work through together, and build together… nothing I do is good enough, although I know I do great things… You don’t seem to have a clue, or care. Telling me you’re proud now helps, but it doesn’t heal the desert in me.

                I can’t push you to decide what you’re working for – I need to know something outside of yourself. I won’t ask you to make a decision until I find out I cannot move forward without it.

Day 4

                The reality is kicking in that we really aren’t together anymore. I slipped twice yesterday, calling you my boyfriend then correcting myself quickly. It made me sad. I went to the bar and danced with a boy and some creepy Indian man told me he loved me… but I was too drunk to let my feelings take hold of me. Two men dragged their hands across my back and it grossed me out, but I didn’t feel like I had a reason to lash out other than that I was disgusted.

I’m comfortable in some respect going out and being here without you. But I’m not comfortable with being comfortable. I don’t think, anyway.

Then you told me this morning that you love me – actually, you said “luv you.” What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t want to talk myself into feeling one way or the other based on what you feel, and what you say. I can’t walk through the rest of the month, or the rest of my life, without closure or knowing for sure what I think.

I want to tell you that I love you. I can’t just shut those feelings off. I can put them away, and I can deny them… for a little while. Until I figure out exactly what I want or need or if any of that is feasible.

I looked back at what I wrote the other day and I couldn’t believe some of what came out. I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing.

All I know is that I want you to always be happy. With or without me, I want you to be happy. I think I’m trying to put off making a decision about how I feel until I know what your end goal is – which, I already said, I don’t think I want to do.

Day 6

                I have found myself thinking about you more and more every day. So much so that I without thought told you I love you while we were on the phone earlier. I don’t know what to think about that.

                The whole dog thing has me sick to my stomach, and I almost teared up at the thought of you going there without me. Originally I was in knots, but I don’t know if it’s our open conversation or the food I had for dinner that’s still got me queasy 2 hours later. All of this gets harder and harder each day.

                I think it’s finally setting in. I don’t know if it’s so hard because we talk every day, or what. I do try to leave you alone, I promise… I don’t want to intrude in your life. I don’t have that right/whatever anymore to demand that you pay attention to me. I do think we’ve talked more in the last week than in the couple weeks prior to the split, though. For that I am thankful, if a little confused.

                I don’t like calling you my ex boyfriend. You’re my Josh. I have such a hard time talking about you and me and us… most times I tell people it wasn’t a big deal, and that I’m okay… and I try to play it off like it’s not hurting me. I’m not sure if it’s really not hurting, or the defenses have come back up and are keeping it from consciously hurting even though it really does hurt somewhere inside. I have been closer and closer to tearing up and crying because of some ‘thing’ I have done to you, or some ‘thing’ that I realize, or some song… I had to turn “Kiss Me Thru the Phone” when I was getting ready for my dance so I wouldn’t start crying in front of Jessie. Not that I would, I just didn’t want to take the chance. It hurts me to hear every day from people (that either just find out, or people who know we’ve split up and I feel like I want to talk about some random aspect of our relationship that I was thinking really hard about) that I deserve better… that I should just find someone else who makes me happy and forget about you and everything that’s happened. I think that’s really unfair. Yeah, it sucks that we’re not together anymore… but all they see is the part where I go to bed crying because I feel ignored or passed up in favor of ‘the guys’ or ‘the cars’ or ‘UFC night’… they don’t hear the conversations you and I have that mean SO much more than you not wanting to hear me complain about McDonalds every night. They don’t see the texts we send back and forth trying to work through our thought processes or what we want to be to each other. Not even the Sparknotes version of what we talk about is enough to make them see why I don’t just listen to them without question. I don’t think I’m “not good enough” for you. I don’t think you’re “not good enough” for me. I think we were made for each other, on some level… maybe only for a short time, possibly for forever.

                I know that what I do is commendable. I am a strong-willed and able-bodied woman. I’m intelligent, and cynical, and… I know I have a lot going for me. There will probably come a time when I have no options, and I’m stuck in a hell hole because that’s all I can get with where I am in my life at that point… but I’m not there yet. I am proud of my work ethic, and what I have accomplished because of it. I have amazing friends, and I know what true loyalty is. I know the meaning of unconditional support and love, and I know that time heals all wounds if you let it. I also know that I relied on you to know these things too, and to let me know that you knew them in a way that I could immediately understand and appreciate. I relied on you to tell me I was beautiful, and smart, and that you were proud of me for doing well in school and putting up with the demands of my schedule even when you thought I was ridiculous and complained all the time. After a time, I felt like I didn’t have a leg to stand on… and I can only balance by myself for so long.

                I can’t get the thought of you not wanting me to be with anyone else out of my head. I feel guilty when I think, in passing, of inviting someone to dinner or spending time with male friends who aren’t necessarily my ‘brothers.’ A bigger part of me doesn’t even want to mess with it, though.

                You say you want to work on us, but how badly? I think I’m going to get to that point where I need you to make a decision, or we need to talk about making a decision, about where we go from here a lot sooner than originally planned.

Day 7

                I’m letting myself admit that I want things to work. I’m okay with that. Part of me hesitates because I don’t know how people I talk to will respond. Which isn’t good, and I’m trying to get over it. I think part of my hesitation, too, comes in not wanting to let myself feel what I have in the past and end up getting hurt again. And I don’t want to tell you something and talk myself into something that may not work oug — I don’t have the suffocating, beautiful feeling of being passionate… and that’s the love I’m used to. I don’t want to take the chance on lying to you… but I do know that I care. So it’s not really a lie. I do love you. I know I do.

                I honestly think us talking and building might bring us together again. I know I have started re-evaluating what I am, what I offer, and what I need to have in a relationship. I wonder what you see yourself as, what you think you ffer, and what you would need from me in order to put us back together again?

                I wonder. There’s a rain cloud hanging over this desert in me — I wonder when it will break. I really think seeing each other may help bring something back…

                especially now, when it’s so important to make sure we both know each other still cares and wants to build us back together.

You are halfway intelligent after all :)

5:13am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyF4xMV
November 13, 2009

Revelations abound.

Walking a fine line between wrong and right
And I know…
There is a part of me that I try to hide
But I can’t win
And I can’t fight
I keep holding on too tight
Running away from the world outside


I’ve realized in a very short period of time that I am living my life in a very awkward and unacceptable way. It’s like I’m running, constantly, and the only thing I care about is keeping this little handful of sand I am holding from falling everywhere. I run, and run, and squeeze my hand tighter and tighter and instead of being careful to respect what I’m trying to save/protect, I am trying to cling to it. The sand is falling through my fingers faster than I realize. Soon I won’t have anything left. I can’t give up running… but I can slow down. I can’t pick up the pieces I’ve lost, but I can try to salvage and keep what little is left. I don’t want to run anymore. But I can only do so much on my own… Sometimes I need someone to just reach out their hand and grab me. Spin me around, make me take a breath. Remind me not to hold on too tight.


Now I am calling
Hoping you’ll hear me
We all need somebody
To believe in something
And I won’t fear this
When I am falling
We all need somebody
That can mend… These broken bones

1:01am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyESRjV
November 12, 2009
women revealed… or maybe it’s just me

So, you think you know women? Well… you might. You might not. I don’t pride myself on being just like everyone else, but there are several key factors that I think men in general should know about women that I am using myself as an example for.

1. I, personally, have the rebound rate of a retarded puppy. I don’t harbor anger for long periods of time anymore. I can’t afford to. I simply have too much else to deal with than to keep track of holding a grudge against every single person that pisses me off. I get angry, have my little “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” moment or whatever, I vent and I’m fairly well back to normal. That is, I don’t have the raging desire to punch something or someone. Sometimes that comes in the form of an intense and pissed off IM, sometimes it’s in the form of a text, sometimes I blurt out some really offensive, sometimes I slam a door… but honestly, a blurt is all it is. The people in my apartment complexes don’t look too kindly on blood-curdling screams in the middle of the night, you know?

2. That being said, when I do have my “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” moment, or when I’m just talking about something that’s bothering me, 9 times outta 10 I’m not asking for anyone to fix it. Unless I utter the phrases “help” or “fix it,” all I’m asking you to do is listen and acknowledge what I’m saying. Women talk to vent, to get things off their chest. I can’t count the number of women I know who own a journal and write in it religiously. It gets what’s ‘inside’ to come ‘outside’ so it is more easily dealt with. If I say I’m scared of something (for instance, moving somewhere new) I’m not telling you I don’t want it. I’m telling you it’s a concern I have. It’s something I’m not used to yet. That’s all.

3. THAT being said, I don’t think I’m wrong for being concerned. (I guess this is more me than women in general.) I don’t think I’m wrong for voicing my concern. I also don’t think I’m wrong for expecting you to be able to talk to me about my concern, or give me suggestions on how to make it easier on myself. Admittedly, I might be wrong in how I choose to approach the situation, but typically my drastic responses — the serious ones, not the blurty “FEJOFJKLSDJALU!!!!” ones — come out of my thought that it NEEDS to be brought to your attention and for whatever reason subtlty isn’t an option anymore.

4. Communication is key. If the way I approach things isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship, you and I need to work together to find some way that we can actually talk without one of us throwing up a wall or pushing the other person away. I can’t just keep my concerns and thoughts to myself when I think they’re serious and valid concerns and thoughts. If it involves the future, and we’re talking about other serious future stuff… I’d like to include my concerns in the conversation without it turning into a fight. What I would like, and the intent I have in voicing my concerns and thoughts, is for them to be taken out of any emotional context and put into a purely conversational one. I mean, yeah if I’m crying and talking about it the conversational context is kindof out the window because I haven’t separated myself from that emotion well enough quite yet to be able to talk about whatever it is just to be talking about it. BUT that doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed.

This didn’t really turn into anything about women in general. Silly me and my conceited self.

Decisions I have made:

1. Putting off grad school. Freaks me out, still getting used to it… it’s gonna take awhile, not gonna lie. But it’s the best thing for me right now, and I fully intend to go back at some point after I’ve gotten a little more under my belt.

2. Moving. Again, freaks me out… not really sure how the whole apartment/living situation is going to pan out. Uncertainty really bothers me. I need a plan. I don’t have a detailed, check-list plan right now. I am working with big goals only, for the most part. Something I have to get used to. MAIN ISSUE: Will you have time for me once I’m out there? I can’t be just a side attraction… I need to be a focal point.

3. Not being in my comfort zone means I have to make myself comfortable. I have opportunities out there, just like I do here. I’m more apt to take part in the opportunities there because I don’t know of anything else. Alumnae association. Ronald McDonald House. Gym. Work. All places to meet people, network, have things to do. I won’t be bored unless I sit around and do nothing but work and wait until I get to see you all day. I won’t grow as a person if I stay here. I’m tired of playing it safe.

I am prepared to make these decisions, but please don’t fault me for still having a few concerns. You’re so far away, I need to know I’m still a part of your life… an important one. I need you to tell me that you’re proud of me, and that you love me, and that you understand that I have a lot going through my head right now. I need you to make it a point to carve time out of your schedule for me, so I can talk to you and it actually be a ‘good’ time. If before bed every night is the best we can do, I will take that. But I want it. I want your time. I want you, in every way I know how. Talking to you is the only way I can have you right now… please don’t take that away from me by telling me you’re too busy to make time for me. And please don’t let me apologize all over myself when I’m not the only party involved in our miscommunications.

.

.

I don’t like that my heart feels like it’s breaking. I don’t like it at all. But while I’m finding and figuring and trying to get some of this weight off my shoulders, I need to know you’re behind me… that you support me and are cheering me on; that you want me to be happy, that you’ll help me if I ask you.

.

More than Romeo and Juliet; better than PS I Love You; more intense than The Notebook.

Always and forever?

4:37am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyEOj-n
November 3, 2009
eatsleepdraw: dearsunset.tumblr.com

eatsleepdraw:

dearsunset.tumblr.com

7:33am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyDqOaJ
(Notes: 174)
  
October 27, 2009
closing in.

i get the sinking suspicion that the choices i am making are wrong. i feel like i’m being backed into a corner, and i hate it. i know how things should work out if i keep on this track, and i know how i want them to work out… but i don’t know if all that is how things are supposed to work out in the long run.

i want to be apart, but i want to be together.

i want time for myself, but i want time for us.

i want to continue building my own life, but i want to start building ours.

i never thought i’d be one to say i wasn’t ready for this, but i’m saying it.

1:43am  |   URL: http://tumblr.com/ZLGtYyDO_jE