Who am I today?

Great source of perspective.

The more I think about this, the more I have to laugh… And at the same time, I get all the more frustrated. I don’t like being told to play games that I don’t know the rules for… Especially when those rules seem to be “I win,” and I am not the “I” that statement is intended for. It’s gone from painful to just flat out annoying… Like a fly that won’t stop buzzing around your face in the sweaty summer afternoon.

all of this has been an excuse to break free and begin the life of my choosing.

etiquette aside, this is my big f* you to everyone, and no one in particular.

sometimes I really just want to sit in an empty room and scream… maybe someday I will. no excuses.

I am so ridiculously embarrassed at the way I deluded myself into thinking that things were okay (Talking about with the ex, not recently… Although that could use a little attention too). I knew when I was writing most of the crap from 2009 that it was a lie. I see truths glinting through the sheen of bull shit… But said bull shit is overwhelming. I was trying to talk myself into believing something would work out the way I thought I wanted… But in reality, I only strived for success to spite those who said I would fail. Clearly this method does not work… At least, not in the way (I thought) I would have liked.

Good news is that those delusions got me where I am now. I’d do it all again to be here. Every little bit… Except I would have quit my job a lot sooner and moved in with Dominick. If only, if only…

I must say, the more I think about the life I am stepping out of… The happier I am to see it fall behind me. I woke up today giving myself a mental kick in the pants for giving a month and a half notice of resignation. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep! Well, that and cuddle with my amazing boyfriend. And no, I am not ashamed to put that image out for anyone… because cuddling, aside from just being awesome in and of itself, releases specific stress reducing hormones that help in multiple aspects… Like, life in general. I could use less stress.

I put myself under a lot of undue stress. I understand this. It sucks, but I am very productive when put on a deadline. I might be grumpy getting to that deadline, but I tend to be pretty successful. Except… Now I am not so sure if success is the most important thing. I have a bigger, better life opening wide up in front of me… Why freak out?

I am far from perfect. I am a spoiled brat, and I can’t really handle constructive criticism. But I am trying to be better. I could see talking to me, at times, like trying to pet a hedgehog… Sometimes it just hurts (moreso the petter than the petted). Does that make it right? Of course not.

It is time to get the glue outof my fur and stop being so spikey to the people who want me around. Prayer, conversation, and practice.

I will probably fall, on many occasions. But it’s not about that… It’s about who helps me get back up. Trust and teamwork and all that.

So here goes.

Lips were designed to keep food inside the mouth, and dust/dirt/other bullshit out.

So why do I continually find myself spewing said bullshit from said lips? All it does is make everything dirty.

It says a lot about a person when they don’t follow etiquette… they’re either stupid and unaware, or so egotistical that courtesy doesn’t appear in there talent tree.

F* lip service. I am done.

I fail at using this. For the past month, some of the worst and best things of my life (up to this point, anyway) have happened. And what did I do? Used my mouth to talk it through instead of writing it out.

Blame love.

Not going to lie, talking was much more efficient… once I opened my mouth. And now, all I want to do is talk.

Blame love.

(Except in those times when I am upset and say very rude and hurtful things… I really, really don’t like doing that. Especially with people I care about.

Blame love.)

Maybe this will be a jumping off point for a new dedication to blogging. If not now, then certainly in June… Oh yeah, I have chosen to resign my position effective June 1.

Blame love.

1. I dig the updated Tumblr app.

2. I have shirked this blog during the two weeks (the entire last year, actually) when I should have been using it the most.

3. I am so confused, on so many levels…

I hear rhythms in the water when it drops from my showerhead after I turn off the flow. I rock out, in fact. almost bust into dance. except it’s slicker than snot and I just know I would fall on my ass.

The feel of sand between my toes. Cooking. Ocean water (the Sonic drink and the real thing). Breathing in the smell of spring. The sound of violins. The contrast when sunlight and shadow are side by side covering the landscape. The color of trees in the Fall. Watching the waves in the lake. Challenge. Using the pretty dishes. Finishing a page in my scrapbook. Techno music. Going for aimless walks. Sitting in silence. Teaching others. Driving with the windows down and music blaring. 1950s fashion. Haikus that make no sense (even though I don’t remember the rules for writing one). Walking dogs at the Humane Society. Sour skittles. The few minutes before I fall asleep, and the few minutes after I wake up. Words with Friends. Curling up on the sofa watching cartoons with my love. The feel of sun sinking into my skin and bones. Cookie dough ice cream. The way a heron looks when it lands on and takes off from a pond. Walking in the woods. The way fire jumps and crackles. Wearing dresses in the summer.